Klawde--Evil Alien Warlord Cat #1 Read online

  “How’d you get that out, little guy?” he said, snatching my treat from the floor.

  I whacked him, but his hand was so bandaged from the many wounds I had already inflicted upon him that he hardly noticed.

  “Oh, don’t worry, kitty,” he said. “I bought a very special treat for you.”

  I did not trust this one bit, so I retreated to a safe position under the firebox.

  “Here you go!” he said, throwing something at me.

  It appeared to be a garish doll of some sort. The likeness was terrible, but I believe it was meant to be a mouse.

  What did he think I was? A kitten? One of these idiot Earth cats? A . . . A . . .

  What was that intoxicating smell?

  It was coming from the purple mouse. I inched closer, and the smell grew stronger. It seemed to speak to me. Come pounce! Come bite! Come shred me into pieces with your deadly back claws!

  It was as if my mind was not my own. Oh, the smell of this mouse doll! This beautiful purple mouse doll! What was inside of it? Happiness itself?

  I ripped it to bits and rolled around in its stuffing. This mouse was the best thing on this entire miserable planet!

  CHAPTER 43

  Thursday Afternoon.

  “Are you guys okay?” Cedar asked when we finally stopped running.

  The Cold Bloods had been chasing us for what seemed like forever through the woods, but we lost them in the stinging nettles field. Cedar knew the safe path across, so we were able to make a clean getaway while Scorpion and the others got stuck there, howling in pain.

  We regrouped at the base of the chain-link fence that blocked the path to the summit. They wouldn’t ever think we’d go to a dead end on purpose.

  At least, I hoped they wouldn’t.

  “I’m hungry,” Steve said.

  “I’m exhausted,” I said. “I think we should stay here. Let the rest of the kids steal each other’s tags.”

  “Come on, you guys—do you really want to give up so easily?” Cedar said.

  Steve and I both shrugged. I was okay with it.

  Then, out of the blue, Cedar started to cry.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. Cedar was the brave one! The nature ninja! If she fell apart, what did that mean for the rest of us?

  “I don’t want to lose!” she said. “I’m sick of Scorpion and his stupid sidekicks. They’re so mean!”

  “Forget the Cold Bloods,” I said. “After tomorrow, we’ll never have to see them again.”

  “But we’re all going to the same school!” she said. “There’s only one middle school in this town.”

  My heart sank. The thought had never occurred to me. In Brooklyn, no one went to the same middle school. There were hundreds of them!

  “I don’t want them calling us forest failures in the hallway,” Cedar said, kicking at a clump of moss. “I want to win the game!”

  I remembered what Klawde had said to me this morning: An army need not be stronger—only smarter. And crueler.

  I wasn’t interested in cruelty. But the smart part I hoped we could manage.

  “We aren’t as big or as mean as the Cold Bloods,” I said, “but we can hit them where it hurts.”

  “How?” Cedar asked.

  “We steal their snacks.”

  Steve patted his belly. “I definitely like the sound of that.”

  We made our plan: While the Cold Bloods were chasing the other teams, trying to steal their tags, we’d raid their shelter. They’d never expect it!

  The only problem was that when we got to the Cold Bloods’ shelter, we discovered that it was empty. Abandoned.

  “What do we do now?” Steve moaned.

  “They’ve obviously built a new, secret lair, and we need to find it,” Cedar said. “Steve, you go west. Raj and I will head east along the ridge.”

  It was late afternoon now, but between the cloudy skies and the dark forest, it seemed like nighttime.

  We were creeping down a deer trail when we heard the snap of a twig.

  Cedar immediately whirled around and ripped the tag from a kid who’d been trying to ambush us.

  “Nice try, Otter!” she said. “I’m sure the rest of Swamp Team will miss you.”

  Otter didn’t even have time to look disappointed before Turkey Vulture appeared out of nowhere and dragged him away, whimpering.

  “Where is he taking him?” I whispered.

  “I don’t know,” Cedar said. “And I don’t want to find out. Come on! Let’s keep moving.”

  I flinched at every forest sound I heard. I kept telling myself it was only a game. But it really didn’t feel like one.

  CHAPTER 44

  I was no longer on vile Earth. I was rocketing through space, flying past exploding nebulas. I watched stars being born, and entire new galaxies bursting into being—all of them ready to bow down before me! I was not just the ruler of one planet. I ruled the entire universe! HA-HA-HA!

  Then I woke from my nap.

  I was still in the cooking room. The grinning father-Human stood amid the torn shreds of the purple mouse.

  “Was that good, boy?” the father-Human said. “Do you want another?”

  Did I? Of course I did!

  I said, “Mrow!”

  Oh no!

  What had become of me? I had said it! The idiot Earth cat word!

  These mouse dolls—this was how the Humans controlled felines. This was how they made Earth cats stupid! The fiends!

  Another mouse doll landed at my feet, this one yellow and blue. Oh, the smell! The smell!

  But I would not succumb to it. My will was titanium steel.

  I stood up, scratched the father-Human on his hideous leg, and hurried downstairs. It was time to leave this planet of nightmares.

  CHAPTER 45

  Thursday Night.

  “Are we there yet?” I whispered.

  We’d been circling the top of Mount Eclipse for ages, trying and failing to find the Cold Bloods’ new shelter.

  “These guys are smarter than I thought,” Cedar said.

  It was raining now, and somewhere in the distance, coyotes had begun to howl.

  My plan was a total failure.

  Cedar wiped raindrops from her face. “It’s okay, Rat. We’re going to make it.”

  “It’s getting dark! How are we going to find the shelter? How are we going to find Steve?”

  “Hush!” she said.

  “But—”

  She held her finger to her lips. And that’s when I heard it: the crack of a branch.

  Something was creeping in our direction.

  I don’t want to get taken.

  I don’t want to get taken.

  I don’t want to get taken.

  My heart banged in my chest like it would explode right out of me.

  The cracking got louder, and then there was a huge crash as something enormous came rushing toward us in the darkness.

  I screamed.

  Then Cedar shouted, “STEVE!”

  He was holding a woven basket full of leaves and food.

  “Wild asparagus and salmonberries,” Steve said. “The Cold Bloods’ snacks!”

  “Steve, you’re a genius!” Cedar said as we stuffed berries into our mouths.

  “Nobody’s ever told me that before,” Steve said, grinning.

  Then we heard the sound of laughter.

  Cruel laughter.

  From somewhere came a voice.

  “Did you really think we’d leave our shelter unguarded?”

  I couldn’t see him, but I knew it was Scorpion.

  “You think we’d let you just waltz in and eat our snacks?” He cackled. “Fat chance, little babies!”

  We heard Newt and Snake snickering. The sound seemed to come
from everywhere and nowhere. Where were they? Were we surrounded? We crouched down behind a clump of ferns.

  “We already wiped out the Fire Team,” Snake called.

  “And we finished off the Swamp Team!” Newt added.

  “Are you three ready to be taken?” Scorpion yelled.

  Cedar’s eyes got fierce. “They’re closing in on us,” she whispered. “We’ve got to scatter, and then it’s every man for himself. Only one of us needs to survive, remember?” She reached down to the mud of the path and spread it across her cheeks. “Camouflage!” she said. And then—like a shadow—she vanished.

  “I guess it’s just you and me, Rat,” Steve said.

  “That seems like a ba—”

  All at once, the forest erupted.

  Three shapes came hurtling at us. I hit the forest floor just as Newt went sailing over my head and crashed into a blackberry bush. A very thorny blackberry bush.

  “Ow! Ow! Ow!” she yelped.

  That must’ve hurt.

  Snake and Steve grappled like a couple of professional wrestlers. But with a quick swipe of his right hand, Steve got his opponent’s badge.

  “Victory!” Steve yelled, holding Snake’s tag high.

  Then Scorpion appeared out of nowhere and snatched Steve’s badge. Any second now, Turkey Vulture would appear and drag my pack mate away.

  “Ha!” Scorpion yelled. “You’re next, Rat! Prepare to be TAKEN!”

  He came at me, but I dived forward through the brush. When I came out on the other side, the wet ground gave way, and I started sliding, headfirst, down the slope of Mount Eclipse.

  CHAPTER 46

  In the corner of the ogres’ underground bunker, my teleporter awaited its ultimate mission: returning me to Lyttyrboks.

  I inspected it one last time. Everything was in order. The green light on the fusion reactor blinked steadily. It was time to go.

  But then—hiss!—I heard footsteps, and the long-furred ogre entered the bunker holding a box in her paws.

  I glared at her.

  She glared back.

  “Someone needs to deal with these boxes if we’re going to live in this place,” the mother-Human said.

  Up and down the stairs she kept coming and going, bringing down the boxes. She began to mark on them in that ugly scribble the Humans use to record their primitive language.

  The task was endless, and I needed to leave! I would have to treat her as I did the father-ogre.

  I walked up to her somewhat less hideous leg. Just as I was about to scratch her bloody, she turned to me.

  “If you try it, I’ll skin you alive and turn you into a fur hat.”

  Finally, a Human I could respect.

  I stood down.

  I had to wait until she went back upstairs—and stayed there. It took two naptimes, but at last she seemed to be gone for good. The hour was finally at hand!

  CHAPTER 47

  Thursday Night.

  I don’t know how long I rolled down the slope, or how long it took for my head to stop spinning once I reached the bottom.

  I sat up. I was scratched all over but otherwise fine—except I had no idea where I was. I put on my deer ears. I couldn’t hear anything.

  What was I going to do now?

  I stayed there for a while, thinking I was safe.

  I should’ve known better.

  “It’s just you and us, Rat. We’re the only ones left!” It was Newt, calling from somewhere up the hill. “Who would’ve thought you’d survive this long?”

  “That girl pack mate of yours put up a good fight, but she’s with the others,” Scorpion shouted. “Now it’s your turn, rodent!”

  Their voices were getting louder. They were closing in on me!

  Without knowing which direction I was heading, I began to run.

  Why couldn’t I be rocketing across the universe with Klawde? This was the scariest night of my life!

  “Oh, little Raaaaaaat,” came Scorpion’s voice. “We’re right behiiiiiind you.”

  I ran faster. Where the path split, I went left, and pretty soon the trail widened. And then I wasn’t in the forest anymore—I was in a clearing. Down below, I saw a dim yellow light.

  It was coming from the porch of the Welcome Cabin.

  Maybe I was saved after all!

  With a giant burst of speed, I raced toward it. Scorpion’s taunts began to fade behind me.

  At the door, I paused. This was not only the Welcome Cabin—it was the home of the Forbidden Basket.

  I could see my cell phone in it, right on top. It seemed to be calling to me.

  I pushed open the window and climbed carefully inside. I grabbed the phone—it felt so good in my hands!—and pressed DAD.

  “Raj?” he said.

  “Hey, Dad,” I said. “Look, it’s against the rules for me to call, but I really want to say good night to Klawde. So can you find him, put the phone on speaker, and lay it down in front of him? And leave?”

  “Oooookay,” he said. Dad clearly thought I was nuts, but he was going to do it anyway.

  Which is why I didn’t press MOM.

  I heard the sound of him going down the stairs and placing the phone on the ground, and then the basement door shutting as he left.

  “What is it?” said Klawde. He sounded impatient.

  I was about to explain the whole situation, but the door of the Welcome Cabin started to open!

  I talked as fast as I could. “If you REALLY are a great feline warrior, you need to come help me!” I said. “NOW!”

  Then I hit the flashlight icon on my phone. The beam lit up the intruder, creeping toward me.

  Turkey Vulture!

  CHAPTER 48

  I was finally entering the teleporter when the father-Human returned.

  Hiss!

  He set his primitive communicator down in front of me and retreated.

  It was the boy-ogre calling. The battle had gone badly.

  Little surprise. I certainly would not miss this Human’s complaining while I was shaving the tails of my enemies!

  I was about to hang up on him when something interesting happened.

  There was shouting—I heard the word help many times—and the sound of a scuffle. The clash of combat.

  Then the communicator went dead.

  Had my Human fallen in battle? Had he been captured by his enemies?

  Now this interested me.

  Also, the boy-Human had begged me to mount a rescue operation, and let it never be said that the Lord High Emperor of All Cats shrinks from a challenge!

  I would go save him.

  There was only one way to get to him quickly: the family go-cart.

  Thankfully, this vehicle operated on push-button technology. (Why couldn’t the Humans do this with everything?) With a press of my paw, I started the engine; with another, I put it into drive mode and set the speed control.

  The brake was out of the reach of my hind paws, but who needed brakes? What I needed was speed!

  As for finding the boy-Human, that would be no problem. Because I had chipped him in his sleep, the tracker in my communicator showed me exactly where he was.

  Even at the sluggish pace of—what was it now?—107 miles per hour, I began to purr as I rolled down the open road.

  I was going off to battle again.

  I felt ALIVE!

  CHAPTER 49

  Thursday Night.

  Our counselor was totally, terrifyingly transformed.

  His face and beard were covered in moss. His feet were muddy and bare, and in his dirty hand he carried a fat stick. Craziest of all, he now seemed to be wearing a bush. He was a forest nightmare come to life.

  “RAT!” Turkey Vulture cried. “I knew the stench of civilization was strong on you, but I never
expected this.”

  I was frozen in fear. My phone fell to the floor. “But the Cold Bloods were throwing rocks and—”

  Turkey Vulture took another step toward me. “I don’t care about rocks! Rocks are part of nature! But you have used what is unnatural!” he yelled. “Technology! How dare you ruin this beautiful game with such an outrage!”

  He shook his stick at me. Was he going to hit me with it?

  I certainly wasn’t going to hang around to find out. I hopped up onto the desk, dived back out the window, and ran!

  The rain had finally stopped, but the paths were all mud soup and I kept slipping and falling.

  Up the slope of the volcano we raced, with Turkey Vulture a stone’s throw behind me—and closing in! How could he run so fast with all those branches and leaves on him?

  There was only one direction to escape: UP!

  Taking a running start, I scrambled up the trunk of a giant oak. I was climbing higher and higher when I heard Newt’s high-pitched shriek.

  “He’s up there!” Newt yelled. “Trapped like the rat he is!”

  She was right—I was trapped!

  Even so, I climbed higher. I wasn’t going to make it easy for them to take me. As I neared the tree’s upper branches, I saw a flash of white light in the distance.

  Was it lightning? Or—please—a rescue helicopter?

  “Stand back!” Turkey Vulture shouted. He had reached the tree, and now he started climbing.

  Scorpion’s cruel laughter seemed to echo all around me. “Rat’s about to get exterminated!” he yelled.

  I gritted my teeth and kept going. I hoped the branches would hold me.

  Suddenly, I saw movement in another tree, high up, near where I was! I squinted through the darkness. Something was making its way toward me, hopping from branch to branch, making a howling sound. Did they have monkeys in Oregon? Could wolves climb trees?

  In another moment, it was in my tree—right above my head!

  I knew it was the end. I was cornered: Turkey Vulture below me, and some kind of horrible tree-hopping forest beast above!