Klawde--Evil Alien Warlord Cat #1 Read online

  “Oh, it’s just you,” Lindy said. “I thought I heard two voices.”

  “That was the radio,” I said, thinking quickly.

  “What radio?” she said.

  “Umm . . .”

  “OOOH! Is this your kitty?” She bent down to pet Klawde.

  “Don’t do that,” I said, grabbing her arm. “He’s not that kind of cat.”

  “What kind of cat?”

  “The petting kind.”

  Klawde swished his tail and growled a little.

  “Oh, that’s terrible! My cat, Chad, just loves to be picked up and petted and hugged! He’s really smart, too!”

  “HAH!” Klawde said.

  “What a weird meow he has!” Lindy said.

  “My dad thinks he’s part Siamese.”

  “Oh, I think Chad’s part Siamese, too!” she said. Then she looked at Klawde. “They even look a bit alike. I mean, Chad is a little fuzzier around the belly, but they’re basically the same size.”

  For some reason, Klawde started purring very loudly.

  “So, what are you doing tomorrow?” Lindy asked. “My mom’s taking me and my friends to Wanda’s Waterslide World and there’s still room in the minivan if you wanna come.”

  “I wish I could. But I have to go to Camp Eclipse.”

  “Ohhh, you go to Camp Apocalypse!” she said. “I’ve heard all about that camp. My brother’s friend went last year. He said that on the last night of the camp, a kid died!” She shrugged. “Anyway, bye!”

  I gulped as Lindy walked away.

  I thought about the teleporter in the basement, ready to rocket Klawde across the universe. Maybe there was room in it for me.

  “This sounds like a most excellent camp!” Klawde said. “I really do not know why you complain about it so much.”

  CHAPTER 36

  “Here, kitty kitty kitty . . . Yummy treats for you, Flabby Tabby!”

  These “cat treats” were an abomination, but they had clearly been engineered to appeal to the weak constitutions of Earth felines.

  Flabby Tabby gobbled them up, one after the other, like a fotobarastic particle vacuum.

  He followed the trail across the street, into the house, and down the stairs, right into the teleporter. It was really too easy.

  As Flabby Tabby sat there, chewing his final treat with a stupid expression on his face, I pressed the button, closed my eyes against the green flash, and . . .

  ZAP!

  Flabby was gone!

  I reached for my communicator. “Flooffee-Fyr! Come in, Flooffee-Fyr!”

  My loyal minion’s face appeared on-screen. “Greetings, commander!”

  “Have you received the package?”

  “The what?”

  And then, in the background, I saw the green flash.

  “It just arrived!” Flooffee-Fyr confirmed. “Test successful, oh lord and commander!”

  Purr!

  Flooffee turned to Flabby Tabby. “Welcome to your ancestral home of Lyttyrboks, Earth cat!”

  “MROW,” said Flabby.

  Flooffee-Fyr cocked his head. “Space traveler, can you understand me?”

  “MROW!” said Flabby.

  And then Flabby Tabby started cleaning a part of his body that we normally do not clean in public. And certainly not with our tongues!

  Flooffee’s horrified face appeared close up in the communicator screen. “Lord High Emperor, I have terrible news. The journey to Lyttyrboks has scrambled his brain!”

  “No, all Earth cats are like that,” I said. “With giant ogres feeding and housing them, they had no need to think or act. They devolved.”

  “That is very unfortunate,” Flooffee-Fyr said, holding up a paw to shield his eyes from the spectacle.

  “Run some tests on him,” I said. “Make sure the teleporter did not do additional damage to his weak brain.”

  Flooffee-Fyr saluted and signed off.

  I had just a few final preparations before I could leave this godforsaken planet. I could smell victory. I had not yet told Flooffee, but I was expecting to have a secret weapon by my side! A HUMAN weapon.

  CHAPTER 37

  Wednesday.

  “Tomorrow is the night you’ve all been waiting for!” Turkey Vulture said as he handed us each a piece of bark. On it was a list of what we needed for Survival Night.

  Water bottle

  Flashlight

  Pocketknife

  Courage

  Bandages

  “Today shall be a day of rest and reflection,” our counselor said with unusual calmness. “Of strolling along the forest’s paths, of gathering and foraging.”

  That didn’t sound so bad.

  But Turkey Vulture wasn’t done.

  “Because beginning tomorrow, the last glaciers have melted. The waters have risen three hundred feet. In the entire world, there are now only islands of land.” Here he stopped for a . . . dramatic . . . pause.

  “Like . . . this . . . volcano!”

  Everyone gasped.

  “I just love his stories!” Cedar whispered to me.

  “But it’s not just a story! Not to him!” I said. “My neighbor told me a kid died last year!”

  “What? Really?” Steve said.

  “That can’t be true,” Cedar said.

  “How can you be so sure?” I said. “We still don’t even know what the game is.”

  “I’ll tell you babies what it is!” Scorpion said. “It’s Hide-or-Get-Eaten times a million!”

  “And when it’s done,” Newt added, “you’re gonna wish you’d never been born!”

  Snake just stared at us and dragged his finger slowly across his neck.

  Later, as we foraged and fixed up our shelter, Cedar tried to cheer Steve and me up.

  “Remember, it’s just like Turkey Vulture said—nature is our friend!”

  What he’d actually said was that nature was all-powerful and couldn’t care less if humans went extinct, but I didn’t bother to correct her.

  In the car ride back, I didn’t even talk to my mother. I felt like I was going to throw up.

  A kid died last year, Lindy had said.

  And then I saw her—Lindy. Mom turned down our street and there she was, putting up a poster on the telephone pole in front of our house.

  When her family got home from the waterslide park, Lindy told me, the cat was gone. Somehow, a window had been left open.

  “Chad will never survive outside!” she said, starting to cry. “He’s never even been outside! And he’s NEUTERED!”

  “I know how he feels,” I said. “About not surviving outside, I mean.”

  And I did mean it. I really didn’t think I would—not for a whole night, and definitely not with the Cold Bloods out to get me.

  I tried to talk to Klawde about it, but all he cared about was the teleporter.

  “It worked!” Klawde purred, rubbing against it. “I sent a live animal across the universe!”

  “What animal?” I said. “Wait a minute—Lindy’s cat is missing. You didn’t . . .”

  “What kind of a feline do you think I am?” Klawde said, offended. “It was a mouse!”

  I looked at the teleporter that I’d helped build. “Is it powerful enough to send something bigger than a cat across the universe?” I said.

  CHAPTER 38

  By the time the boy-Human returned from battle camp, I had received excellent news: The Flabby Tabby was completely healthy, morbid obesity aside. My departure was now at hand.

  Even more excellent news came from the boy-ogre himself. He was on the claw’s edge of coming with me! All he needed was a bit more encouragement.

  “And we could leave tomorrow?” he asked.

  “Absolutely!” I said.

 
“And you would send me back home whenever I wanted?”

  “Of course!”

  As the young Human went off to his sleeping chamber, my tail swished in pleasure.

  My evil scheme was working PERFECTLY!

  In the morning, the boy-ogre came to me in the underground bunker he referred to as the basement.

  “Okay,” he said. “I want to go with you.”

  What joy! This giant would render me invincible! I could taste final victory! I had to call Flooffee-Fyr and tell him the excellent news.

  But before I could do anything, there was that infernal sound from the front portal.

  DING-DONG!

  “Raj!” the father-Human called. “It’s for you!”

  CHAPTER 39

  Thursday Morning.

  I’d barely slept all night. This was the biggest decision of my life. By morning, I’d decided that the chance to travel to another planet—a planet of cats!—was too awesome to miss.

  Especially since it meant I’d be missing Survival Night.

  But just as I told Klawde I would go with him, the doorbell rang.

  Who could it be? At 7:00 a.m.? I went to the front door and found Cedar and Steve on the porch.

  “This guy showed up at my house an hour ago,” Cedar said, pointing at Steve.

  “I couldn’t sleep!” Steve said. “Every time I closed my eyes, I thought about the RISING SEAS! And the CANNIBALS!”

  “I keep telling him all that disaster stuff is just part of the game, but he won’t believe me,” Cedar said.

  My dad appeared behind me with a cup of coffee. “It’s so nice you’ve made friends, son!”

  Friends? I wanted to say. They’re just two kids I’ve been doomed to die with!

  Except that I’d found a way not to die. And maybe I could save them, too.

  “Can you guys keep a secret?” I whispered. “A big secret?”

  They both nodded yes.

  “Come on,” I said, and led them down to the basement.

  “Hey, what’s that awful noise?” Cedar said. “It sounds like a baboon getting his nose hairs ripped out.”

  It was Klawde, of course. He was in his covered litter box, using his communicator to tell his most trusted lieutenant I was joining him.

  “That’s my cat,” I said. “He’s the secret.”

  “What do you mean?” Cedar asked.

  “My cat,” I said, “is an alien.”

  “Huh?” Steve said.

  Cedar looked really confused. “Raj, are you feeling okay?”

  Klawde stepped out of the litter box and saw everyone staring at him. His tail swished.

  “And not only is he an alien,” I went on, “he’s a warlord. He conquered his entire planet, and I’m going there to help him reunite the cats of planet Lyttyrboks!”

  “Warlord?” Cedar said.

  “Litter box?” Steve said.

  “No, it’s not pronounced that way—oh, never mind. We’re leaving today.”

  Cedar touched my arm. “Rat, you’re not making sense. Are you okay?”

  “We built a teleporter.” I pointed to the tangle of metal and wire in the corner. “You can both come and help us! Then you won’t have to go to Survival Night!”

  Cedar and Steve looked back and forth between me and the teleporter. Then Steve burst out laughing.

  “I don’t know what’s funnier,” he said. “The thought of you riding through space in that pile of scrap metal or the idea that your cat is an alien!”

  But I could prove it.

  “Go ahead, Klawde,” I said. “Speak. Tell them who you really are!”

  Klawde looked at me, and then at Cedar and Steve. He blinked, and said one word:

  “Mrow?”

  CHAPTER 40

  After the two other child-Humans left, shaking their heads, my Human turned to me.

  “Why did you do that?” he demanded. “Now they think I’m crazy! I thought you wanted humans to come help you reconquer your planet! You could’ve had two more!”

  “Raj,” I said, “I have heard what has gone on in this room! I see that you are no longer alone in this place.”

  “Well, I guess they’re kind of my friends . . .”

  “They are more important than friends!” I said, scolding him. “They are your comrades-in-arms. Your partners in battle! And that is a bond even stronger than littermates!”

  He did not look convinced.

  “You must not shrink from tonight’s war. Reach down beneath your fur—or whatever that is covering your hideous body—and bring out the inner feline: the battle cat!” I cried. “As I said to my troops before the War of Skratshink Poast, it is better to die ten thousand deaths than turn tail and run! An army need not be stronger—only smarter! And crueler!”

  The Human was clearly moved by my words.

  “But what about going to Lyttyrboks?” he said.

  “It is with a heavy heart that I have to tell you this, Raj Banerjee, but I cannot take you across the universe!” I said. “I see now that your fight is here, on Earth. You are needed on this planet—for Survival Night, and beyond.”

  The Human was confused and disappointed, and it seemed that his eyes might leak again. He made me promise that I wouldn’t leave before he returned. If he returned.

  I said that I would wait for him, and wished him luck.

  He paused at the door.

  “Thanks,” he said. “It makes me happy to know that you really care about me.”

  From the window, I watched as he climbed into the family go-cart, which would transport him to the battle’s frontlines. I wondered if he would survive.

  It seemed unlikely.

  I was just relieved that he had believed all the nonsense I had told him. I needed him out of my fur so I could use the teleporter—alone!

  There had been a sudden and unavoidable change of plans. While the boy-Human was talking to the other child-Humans, I’d called Flooffee-Fyr to tell him the good news. But Flooffee had informed me that Humans were too big to use the teleporter.

  “If you try,” Flooffee-Fyr said, “the Human will explode, and his molecules will be scattered across a billion light-years of space like so many subatomic specks of dust and gore.”

  “So you’re saying it’s worth a shot?”

  “No,” Flooffee-Fyr had said. “Not unless you want a very messy teleporter.”

  CHAPTER 41

  Thursday.

  Up on the Speaking Stump, Turkey Vulture was hissing and flapping with more energy than ever.

  “Today is the DAY!” he cried. “Here at the top of Mount Eclipse, the last threads of civil society have broken down. All remaining humans have divided into clans and retreated into the woods, where they fight each other over what precious few resources remain.”

  “Can I hold your hand?” Steve whispered to me.

  Turkey Vulture cupped his hands at the sides of his head. “When you put on your deer ears, you can hear it. Humanity’s final, gasping breaths!”

  I looked over at Cedar, and even she looked a little nervous.

  Then Turkey Vulture explained the rules of the game.

  “You are truly in nature now! Together with your packs, you will live off what you have foraged and spend the night in your shelter. But that is not all,” he said with a grin. “You will also be hunting . . . each other.”

  Steve gasped. Or maybe that was me.

  “You will sneak through the dark woods on your forest feet,” Turkey Vulture said, hopping off the Speaking Stump and tiptoeing around us. “Then you will lie in wait for your rival humans. When one appears, you attack!”

  Turkey Vulture lunged at me, and before I knew it, he’d ripped my name tag from around my neck.

  “The snatching of the name tag means you have not su
rvived Survival Night! You are TAKEN.”

  That didn’t sound good.

  I raised my hand. “What do you mean taken?” I asked. “Taken where?”

  Turkey Vulture smiled. “You’ll find out when it happens, won’t you?” he said, and handed my name tag back to me. I could see what he was thinking: that I’d be one of the first to go.

  “The final surviving player delivers victory to her entire pack.” Turkey Vulture locked eyes with each of us in turn. His were wild. “Now let Survival Night BEGIN!”

  We all shot off in different directions up the sides of the volcano. I raced behind Cedar on the trail to our shelter, with Steve puffing heavily behind us. Once we were safely inside, we hunkered down and plotted our strategy.

  “I think we should just stay here,” I said. “We’ve got all the food and water we collected yesterday.”

  “Are you kidding?” Cedar said. “The Cold Bloods will come for us! I’m not going to sit around and wait for them to come steal our tags.” She passed out a handful of berries. “Let’s have a snack and move out.”

  “And then what?” I said.

  “We do what Turkey Vulture told us to do,” she said. “We move silently through the woods. And pounce!”

  “Just let’s stick together, okay?” I said.

  I still didn’t know my way around.

  After we’d finished our berries, we snuck out of the shelter and made a run for the nearest line of trees. We hadn’t gone ten feet before we felt rocks whizzing by our heads.

  The Cold Bloods!

  “Hey, you can’t use ROCKS!” Cedar yelled at them. “That’s against the rules!”

  “Rules?” Newt scoffed. “There’s no such thing as rules on Survival Night!”

  “Run, little babies!” Scorpion called. “Run as fast as you can, because we’re coming to get you!”

  And we did.

  CHAPTER 42

  I was licking the last of the yellow rectangles when the balding ogre stepped into the cooking room.