Klawde--Evil Alien Warlord Cat #1 Read online

  “I’ve almost got you, Rat!” Turkey Vulture called.

  Then the creature from above came hurtling down. I screamed and ducked, and it went flying past me.

  Hissing as it went.

  Klawde!

  CHAPTER 50

  I had never seen anything like it: My Human was being pursued up a tree by a monster. It appeared to be half-ogre and half-plant, and it obviously planned to devour my Human—or worse.

  What a shame I couldn’t bring THIS one through the teleporter!

  But there was no time to lose if I wanted to save my Human. I quickly scaled the nearest tree and leaped branch to branch until I was directly above him and the squawking plant-beast.

  I paused, took aim, and launched myself into the air.

  Oh, the joy of gliding through the sky! The feel of the wind ruffling my fur! The glory of battle swelling my ferocious heart!

  My aim was true, and I made a direct hit on the plant-monster’s head. My claws made quick work of its face.

  My, but these earthlings injure easily!

  “AHHH!” the monster screamed, and fell backward out of the tree.

  Luckily for the plant-ogre, its leafy branches cushioned the impact of its fall. But they wouldn’t protect it from the fury of my claws!

  I jumped down and attacked at ground level. I showed the monster no mercy, but its strength was that of ten thousand cats. It grasped me by the neck and tore me off itself. Then it dangled me from its hideous leafy paw.

  I yowled in fury and slashed at the beast, but my claws met nothing but air.

  If this was to be my end, at least I had fought as no cat had ever fought before.

  “A CAT!” the creature yelled. “Behold, campers, this vile and destructive creature! This killer of songbirds! This murderer of chipmunks! This perfidious predator!”

  I know—it sounds complimentary. But I took offense at the creature’s tone.

  The plant-monster stared me right in the eyes. “The rampage of you and your kind has gone on for far too long,” it cried. “There will be no cats in the apocalypse—except for dinner. Now, who’s hungry?”

  “Hey, you can’t do that!” my Human yelled down from above. “That’s my cat!”

  “I should have suspected! Well, he’s NOT your cat anymore!” the plant-monster yelled. He shook me from head to tail. “Finders keepers, finders eaters!”

  And that’s when I spoke to him in his own barbaric tongue.

  “Do your worst, plant-Human!” I cried.

  The monster’s hideous mouth fell open.

  CHAPTER 51

  Thursday Night.

  I couldn’t believe it! Klawde had come to save me! How did he even find me?

  From high above, I watched as he attacked Turkey Vulture. But then the counselor managed to grab him and hold Klawde out of striking distance. And now he was threatening to eat him!

  I had to swallow my fear. And it was then that I found my inner battle cat.

  “You can do whatever you want to me, you crazy lunatic!” I cried. “But not to my CAT!”

  I flung myself out of the tree. I had no plan, other than to land on Turkey Vulture.

  Which I did.

  It hurt. Both of us.

  Turkey Vulture lost his grip on Klawde, who jumped out of the way.

  “Run, Klawde,” I called. “Run! Run!”

  Klawde hesitated—I could tell he didn’t want to leave me. “Go!” I cried.

  And he did.

  I turned to the Cold Bloods, expecting a fight. But they weren’t paying any attention to me. Instead, they turned to Turkey Vulture, who was lying on the ground in a daze.

  “Were you being serious about eating Raj’s cat?” Scorpion asked. “Because that’s messed up.”

  Newt nodded. “Yeah, it’s totally psycho.”

  “You heard it talk, didn’t you?” Turkey Vulture cried. “That animal spoke to me!”

  “You mean,” Scorpion said, “when it meowed?”

  Turkey Vulture’s eyes were wild. “No, no! It spoke in English. Don’t you understand? Cats are evolving!”

  Scorpion looked at Newt, then at me. “Game over, you guys. Turkey Vulture’s lost the plot. Let’s go to the tent.”

  They took off their name tags and dumped them on the ground.

  “Tent?” I said. “What tent?”

  “The tent where everyone else is,” Scorpion said. “What did you think happened when someone got taken?”

  I didn’t really want to say.

  Off in the distance, I saw the flash of white light again. Then came the red glow of taillights and a song, fading into the night.

  We’re not gonna take it!

  NO! We ain’t gonna take it!

  CHAPTER 52

  Oh, what a joy it was to watch my Human attack his enemy! He sailed through the air like a true feline commando.

  Although I did not like his prospects against the plant-ogre, his brave actions had given me the chance to retreat.

  Sometimes a great leader must know when to leave his troops behind. As the saying goes, There are always more soldiers, but there is only one warlord.

  I would miss the young ogre after all, I thought as I entered the motorized go-cart. Back at the controls, I finally discovered the button for flight mode.

  Except I did not. Instead of levitating, the car filled with the dreadful noise Humans call music.

  We’re not gonna take it ANYMOOOOORE!

  Hmm. It was sort of catchy.

  CHAPTER 53

  Thursday Night.

  There they were—the Swamp Team, the Fire Team, Snake, Steve, and Cedar—eating hot dogs and s’mores inside a big, cozy tent.

  Cedar came running up to me. “Rat, you’re the only one with a name tag! You won!”

  “A Banerjee always finishes what she starts!” I said.

  “What she starts?” Steve asked.

  “I said he!” I said. “What he starts.”

  “Rat didn’t win,” Scorpion said. “We just stopped playing!”

  “So what?” Cedar said. “If you guys quit, we win. Right, Turkey Vulture?”

  But Turkey Vulture didn’t seem to hear her. He was still babbling about talking cats and how they were going to take over the world.

  “I tell you all,” he whispered, “the apocalypse is nearer than we think!”

  We stayed up almost the whole night and—believe it or not—I was actually sad when the time came to leave.

  As we were walking out through the Camp Eclipse arch, Steve leaned in to me. “So, what you said about your cat,” he whispered. “That was all true?”

  “Let’s just say what happens at Camp Apocalypse stays at Camp Apocalypse,” I said.

  “Except us being friends,” Cedar said. “Right?”

  I couldn’t help smiling. “Yeah, except that.”

  “You guys are losers,” Scorpion said, passing by us.

  But we didn’t care.

  We got to the parking lot, where our parents were waiting.

  “You guys have to start calling me Wolf now,” Steve said. “What’s your real name?”

  “Uh, Raj,” I said.

  “Raj? Your name is Raj?” Steve said. “Real creative forest name, Rat.”

  “How about you?” I said, turning to Cedar. “What’s your real name?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know!” Cedar said, and then darted into her parents’ car.

  “So, you made it through nature camp!” Mom said when I got into the Prius. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

  I shrugged. “No, I guess not.”

  I felt pretty good about things. But as we turned down our street, I saw the telephone poles with the LOST CAT posters on them, a picture of Chad looking back at me. And I didn’t feel so
good anymore.

  Because pretty soon, my cat would be gone, too.

  CHAPTER 54

  I took a nap, lapped up some white liquid, and read the Wall Street Journal on the toilet one last time. I was ready to leave—again—when the most unexpected thing of all happened.

  I heard the voice of my boy-Human.

  How in the eighty-seven moons had he survived? Did he manage to murder all three of his enemies? Alone?

  I was so proud!

  I took my paw off the teleport button. Even an Evil Warlord must say goodbye to a soldier who fought so valiantly!

  The boy-Human found me in the basement. He was dirty and scratched, like a true warrior.

  “I wish you didn’t have to go,” he said. “But I understand that your fight is back home.”

  “I am sorry you will not be coming to Lyttyrboks to share in my glorious victory,” I said. “But you will do well here on Earth. Perhaps one day you will even rule it! You will be the Kind Earthling Warlord Human.”

  The boy-ogre bared his teeth at me with his lips curled up, in the hideous grimace the Humans call a smile.

  Why did they do that?

  As for me, I paid the boy-Human the ultimate sign of respect: the Twining Curl. I rubbed against him, allowing my tail to wind, briefly and gently, around his shin.

  And with that, I entered the teleporter, pressed the button, and said goodbye to this dismal planet known as Earth.

  Good riddance!

  CHAPTER 55

  Friday Afternoon.

  I stayed down in the basement until I heard my parents get home from Mom’s tennis match.

  “Here, kitty kitty kitty!” I heard Dad calling.

  He’s not here, I thought sadly. He’ll never be here again.

  “Have you seen Klawde?” Dad asked when I came upstairs.

  “Is something wrong?” Mom asked when she saw my face.

  I told them the lie that I’d prepared—that while they were gone, the family who had lived in the house before us came looking for their lost cat:

  Klawde.

  “Some cats attach to places more than people, so that’s why he came back here after they moved,” I said. “At least, that’s what they told me.”

  “Oh, Raj,” Mom said, and gave me a hug.

  “I sure did love that little guy,” Dad said, and wiped a tear from his eye with one of his bandaged fingers.

  Yeah, me too.

  I went to my room, got into bed, pulled the covers up to my chin, and fell asleep.

  It was the green flash that woke me.

  I sat up immediately.

  “That was not lightning,” I heard my mom saying. “It’s sunny out! We need to have an electrician look at the wiring in this old house.”

  I shot out of bed and raced down the stairs, and that’s when I heard it—a faint “MROW!”

  It was coming from the basement!

  I ran downstairs three steps at a time.

  “MROW?”

  The teleporter shook, the door opened, and out stepped . . .

  Chad.

  I sank down to the floor.

  Chad waddled toward me, meowing loudly. There was a note attached to his collar.

  EPILOGUE

  It felt almost like old times. Mom was reading, Dad was watching TV, and I was just sitting there, bored. But at least tonight I was waiting for Cedar and Wolf to come over.

  In the two weeks since Camp Apocalypse had ended, I’d spent a lot of time hanging out with them. They showed me around Elba, which turned out to be a pretty cool place. My parents would barely let me leave my block back in Brooklyn, but here I could bike wherever I wanted. There were two ice-cream shops, a nickel arcade, and even a good comic book store—all within biking distance.

  The only thing I wanted now was to get my cat back.

  Mom and Dad kept telling me I could have a new one. But how could any other cat compare to Klawde?

  Then, out of nowhere, it happened again: a bright flash of green light.

  I jumped up from the chair and went running to the front door. And right when I got there:

  DING-DONG!

  I flung open the door.

  It was Klawde!

  I picked him up and began kissing him all over his furry little face.

  Klawde hissed. “Put me down, you disgusting ogre!” he thundered. “Don’t you understand what has happened?!”

  “You missed me so much you came back for a visit?”

  “Don’t be absurd,” Klawde said.

  He told me that he had overthrown General Ffangg and reconquered Lyttyrboks with lightning speed—only to have been betrayed. AGAIN.

  “And this time by the last cat I would ever have suspected!” Klawde said. “Flooffee-Fyr! Who could’ve imagined that simpering lackey would have the guts to betray me? I respect him now, yes! But he shall taste my REVENGE!”

  “I’m just glad to have my kitty back,” I said.

  “Don’t ever call me that again, or I will vaporize you across ten galactic quadrants!” Klawde said.

  He swatted me, leaving a bloody scratch on my finger. It hurt a little, but I didn’t care.

  My evil alien warlord cat was home.

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  Although a worthless Human, Johnny Marciano has redeemed himself somewhat by chronicling the glorious adventures of Klawde, Evil Alien Warlord Cat. His lesser work concerns the pointless doings of other worthless Humans, in books such as The Witches of Benevento, The No-Good Nine, and Madeline at the White House. He currently resides on the planet New Jersey.

  Emily Chenoweth is a despicable Human living in Portland, Oregon, where the foul liquid known as rain falls approximately 140 days a year. Under the top secret alias Emily Raymond, she has collaborated with James Patterson on numerous best-selling books. There are three other useless Humans in her family, and two extremely ignorant Earth cats.

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