The Spacedog Cometh Read online

  “We do have stores here,” I said, even though they probably didn’t carry three-foot-long legumes.

  Ajji opened the cupboard and held up the garam masala my mom used. “Stores where you buy premixed spices? Ground by a machine?” she said, tsk-tsking. “Your ajji likes to do things the old-fashioned way.”

  I unzipped the other giant suitcase. Everything inside this one was for Wuffles: food, bones, toys, sweaters, about twenty tennis balls, and a box that read: PRINCELY PUP DOGGIE AIR MATTRESS.

  “Wow, Wuffles has more stuff than I do,” I said.

  Meanwhile, he was still barking at Klawde up on the fridge.

  “Will he ever stop?” I asked.

  “Give them time,” Ajji said. Then she started throwing all Mom’s cooking supplies into boxes.

  Mom was not going to be happy about that.

  “Can you blow up Wuffles’s bed?” she asked. “I didn’t have enough room for the electric pump.”

  I took out the air mattress, breathed in with all the lung power I had, and blew. A corner of the mattress lifted a tiny bit and then settled back down again. I kept blowing, the dog kept barking, and Klawde kept glowering.

  Klawde wouldn’t attack, would he? I mean, he talked a big game, but he’d had enough of a sense of self-preservation to escape to the top of the fridge.

  So why was he wiggling his butt up in the air like he was about to

  CHAPTER 6

  JUMP!

  With all my strength, I made a mighty leap down from my perch, soaring—just barely—beyond the misshapen beast’s snapping jaws.

  I landed gracefully and then hurtled into the living room. The ferocious fiend took up the chase, following closely at my heels!

  I was in immense danger.

  Every stride could be my last.

  How alive I felt!

  I knocked over one of the father-Human’s plants as I sprang to the top of the high-backed padded chair. With its stubby legs, the dog couldn’t reach me, so instead it ran around in leaping circles, barking madly.

  I could not resist a yowl of glee.

  “Wuffles, stop tormenting the nice kitty!” called the ancient ogre from the other room.

  Nice kitty? She had no idea!

  But I could use her ignorance to my advantage.

  With a nudge of the paw, I pushed the light-giving device off its perch. It shattered on the floor.

  “No, not the lamp!” the boy-ogre shouted.

  He had chased us into the room wearing a small plastic device strapped to his head—probably designed to stimulate and strengthen his puny brain—which made him look even more absurd than usual. But I hardly cared about that now. I batted a pillow from the chair, and it hit the canine in the snout.

  Then something strange happened. The dog began to attack the pillow! It was as if the beast had utterly forgotten it had a living, breathing enemy with which to do battle.

  So this Wuffles was a moron.

  An admirably strong moron, however. It tore at the fabric with its fangs, pulling out the stuffing and tossing it into the air. In seconds, the dog had massacred it, and yet still the beast growled and snapped at its mangled bits.

  “Wuffles, stop!” the boy-ogre cried. “That’s Mom’s favorite throw pillow!”

  Better it than me, ogre.

  Now the ancient female came to the edge of the battlefield. “Naughty Wuffles!” she said. “Sit!”

  Then something truly astonishing happened.

  The dog stopped its carnage, let the remains of the pillow fall from its mouth, and sat. It lowered its head and gazed up at the aged one.

  I could hardly believe it, but the canine appeared to be displaying one of the Humans’ most useless emotions: guilt.

  “You mustn’t chase the kitty,” the ancient one said to the dog. “Now come!”

  Obediently the dog trotted over to her.

  And thus did I discover a remarkable truth: Dogs took orders from Humans.

  CHAPTER 7

  Suddenly I was glad my parents were gone. Because if my mom had seen the living room, she would’ve called animal control for sure.

  The antique lamp was in pieces on the floor. And the throw pillow Mom had hand-embroidered looked like it had taken a trip through the garbage disposal.

  At least Wuffles seemed to be ashamed of himself. Klawde, on the other hand, looked proud.

  I told Ajji I’d deal with the mess so she could finish unpacking. While I was sweeping up the broken glass, I remembered I was still wearing the Okto 4K. It had been recording the whole time! Maybe there was cool footage of me chasing the dog chasing the cat.

  I hurried into my room, where I found Klawde curled up on the bed.

  “I know you’re the one who knocked over the lamp, Klawde,” I said as I connected the camera to my computer. “And Mom’s throw pillow! Do you know how hard she worked on that thing?”

  Klawde began licking his paw and rubbing it behind his ear, just like he always did when he was particularly pleased with himself. “It was all Wuffles’s fault. Your grandmother said so. You should listen to your ancients.”

  “You and I both know it’s your fault.”

  Klawde pushed his ear down. “You can’t prove it.”

  “Oh yes I can,” I said, and pressed PLAY.

  The picture was bumpy, but it definitely showed Klawde pushing the lamp over and batting the pillow off the chair.

  “There’s your proof, Klawde!” I said. “Uh, Klawde?”

  He’d sprung onto the desk and was staring intently at the screen. His whiskers were twitching in a freaky way I hadn’t ever seen before.

  “How did you do this, Human?” he demanded.

  “My cool new camera,” I said, holding up the Okto.

  Klawde started to purr.

  CHAPTER 8

  What a magnificent scene! There I was in all my glory, perched high above a furious, pillow-slaughtering canine. In triumph!

  The ogre’s head camera was laughably primitive, but it was better than the Humans’ usual efforts. “How did you acquire this technology?” I demanded.

  “I got it for my birthday,” the boy-Human said. “Do you celebrate your birthday back on your planet?”

  “Everyone celebrates my birthday on Lyttyrboks,” I said. “Otherwise I have their whiskers plucked out one by one.”

  But there was no time to explain all the fun and exciting festivities of the Universal Day of the Most Supreme Leader. Because this crude piece of ogre technology changed everything!

  I rushed to the bunker to call Flooffee-Fyr and alert him to the change of plans.

  “But what about the Squirr-a-pult?” he said. “I really liked that one.”

  “Those brilliant ideas must be put on hold, minion,” I said. “Starting now, we will fight not with weapons, but with images!”

  “Huh?” Flooffee said.

  I explained to him my greatest evil scheme yet. Flooffee would transmit the film of me humiliating the Earth dog to every corner of Lyttyrboks. “All felines will be awed and amazed at my mastery of the canine species. They will fear and worship me!”

  “Wait, you met a dog?” Flooffee gasped. “And he didn’t kill you?”

  “He tried,” I said. “But I was too cunning. Oh, how I toyed with the beast! And it is only the beginning.”

  I reminded Flooffee of my long-ago crossing of the Neutral Zone to visit the Dog Star Cluster. I’d been merely a long-legged cadet, but the little prank I’d played on the canines that day had earned me everlasting fame on my home planet.

  But that notoriety would pale in comparison to the reaction I would get when my fellow felines saw this!

  CHAPTER 9

  Klawde seemed to be in an unusually good mood the next morning. He said something about it being a lovely day, which I’d n
ever heard him say before.

  I was just pulling on my socks when he asked, “Aren’t you forgetting to don your cool image-capturing headwear device?”

  “I’m just going down to eat,” I said. “Do you really think breakfast is going to be that interesting?”

  “Oh yes,” he said. “So interesting.”

  I shrugged. “All right,” I said, and put on the Okto.

  It was weird what cats were into.

  Downstairs, the kitchen was totally transformed, with copper kadais hanging from the pot rack and glass jars of spices lining the counter. It looked just like Ajji’s kitchen back in New Jersey. She lived in Edison, which was just about the most Indian place you could go outside of India itself. The strip malls were filled with Indian supermarkets and restaurants and sari shops, and the local multiplex showed Bollywood movies. It was pretty awesome there.

  “Dosa!” Ajji said, placing a silver plate of crispy, potato-filled crepes in front of me. “Your favorite!”

  Yum! This was the kind of food my mom hardly ever made, mostly because she was too busy working. And Dad could barely boil water.

  “I see you like my breakfast,” Ajji said as she watched me devour my second dosa. “So you will love what I packed you for lunch!”

  She handed me a heavy blue backpack. I looked inside and saw two stacks of round metal containers.

  “Tiffins!” she said.

  “What about my regular lunch pack?” I asked. What I really meant was, What about my regular lunch?

  Ajji tsk-tsked me. “Don’t worry! Ajji knows best. You will eat better than anyone else in your school for the next two weeks, I can promise you that.”

  There was no point in arguing, because Ajji was even more stubborn than Mom.

  Plus, I’d just noticed Klawde. He was slinking over to the dog bed, where Wuffles lay sleeping.

  “Klawde!” I whispered. “Leave the dog alone!”

  “Did you say something, Raj?” Ajji asked.

  “I was—er—talking to Klawde.”

  “You don’t need to be ashamed and whisper!” she said. “I talk to my animals all the time. Which reminds me—I forgot Wuffles’s favorite toy upstairs. I can’t believe he fell asleep without his snuggybear!”

  As soon as she left the room to get it, Klawde said, “Ogre! Take a look at this!”

  And then he gave the sleeping dog a swipe right across the nose!

  CHAPTER 10

  It was too easy. First, the gullible young ogre agreed to wear the camera upon his head. (Unlike the dog, I didn’t take orders from Humans—I gave them.) Then, as the boy-ogre consumed the ancient one’s food, I approached the canine.

  Its eyes were closed, and it appeared to be napping. Unsurprisingly, this was not the alert nap of the feline, but the drooling unconsciousness of the Humans. Still, I took caution as I approached.

  Viewed up close, the canine was even more disturbing than I’d first thought. Its fur, unlike a cat’s soft, luxurious coat, was coarse and wavy. Its claws appeared thick and dull—how could it possibly slash an enemy with them? Also, it was now wearing a body covering, of the type the ogres call a “sweater.” But why? The beast had fur, unsightly and smelly though it was.

  The boy-ogre directed me to leave the dog alone. But I had other plans.

  Once the camera was turned in my direction, I was ready for the show to begin.

  SLASH!

  I struck the dog’s nose, claws fully extended. The beast’s eyes snapped open as it yelped in shock and pain. When it saw me, it began to growl, a low rumble that sounded like thunder. Then it charged!

  Only my superior feline reflexes kept me from the death trap of its snapping jaws. I raced downstairs to my bunker and leaped into the covered sandbox. The dog barked wildly, thinking it had me trapped.

  How foolish it was.

  When my camera-Human arrived on the scene, I began to kick up sand with my back paws, creating such a flurry that the canine was blinded. Then I sprang back out and landed upon its spine!

  The beast yelped and bucked and spun around in circles, desperately trying to throw me off. But I only dug my claws in deeper!

  “Klawde, are you out of your MIND?” the boy-ogre cried.

  In answer, I spurred Wuffles in the flanks, and back up the stairs we went. I sounded my victory cry as we raced into the living room. But then the ancient ogre sprang out of nowhere and snatched me off the back of the canine! She was quicker than she looked.

  The dog whirled around to face me, ready to reengage in battle. Its eyes gleamed murderously as I strained against the iron grip of the she-ogre. Finally, I managed to wriggle out of her clutches and retreat to higher ground. Which just so happened to be atop the ancient Human herself.

  “Klawde! Get off of my grandmother!”

  CHAPTER 11

  It was not the greatest start to a Monday. As if my cat tricking me into wearing my Okto 4K so he could film himself torturing the dog wasn’t bad enough, then I had to pull him off of my grandma’s head. And now I was walking to school with a lunch pack so heavy I could barely lift it. I really hoped no one would notice.

  “Hey, what’s with the second backpack?” Steve asked the minute he saw me. “Are you trying to get twice as smart?”

  “The frightening thing is that you probably believe that’s how it works,” Cedar said to him. “But why are you wearing two backpacks, Raj?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled.

  At lunch, I sat at my usual table. As quietly as possible, I took out the tiffin carriers.

  Max leaned over to me. “What the heck is that?”

  “My lunch,” I said, feeling my cheeks get hot. “It’s a bunch of different, like, Indian dishes.”

  I lifted off the lid of metal container after metal container. Ajji had packed me baingan bharta, dal, rice, raita, rasam, mango pickle, coconut chutney, and on and on. In any other place, the smells would be making my mouth water. But not here. Everyone was staring at me, and you never want that in middle school.

  Max wrinkled his nose. “It smells funny.”

  “It looks like weird baby food,” Brody said.

  Then other kids started pointing, too, and whispering over their cafeteria trays of mac and cheese, which was—unlike my baingan bharta—actually disgusting.

  I started shoveling the food into my mouth. The faster I ate, the quicker it’d be gone, and then everyone would have to find something else to make fun of.

  Scorpion and Newt wandered by on their way to get seconds of mac and cheese. “P.U.!” Scorpion said, holding his nose. “Where’s that stink coming from?”

  I ignored him, hoping he’d keep walking. But he didn’t. He stopped and stood over me.

  “I should’ve known,” Scorpion said. “It’s from Rat. And he’s eating out of little doggie bowls!”

  Newt giggled but didn’t say anything.

  I wasn’t hungry anymore, but I kept eating.

  No matter how mortified I was, it was still the most delicious food ever.

  CHAPTER 12

  “The way you rode that dog around the fortress and then sat on top of an ogre—that was SO AWESOME!” Flooffee cried. “No one here can even believe it! They’re amazed by how brave and strong you are.”

  I had to admit: I amazed myself, too.

  Yesterday, as soon as the child-ogre left for his pointless school, I had transmitted the video to Flooffee-Fyr to broadcast across Lyttyrboks.

  “Instead of calling you Most Hated Wyss-Kuzz, the Tyrant,” my lackey said, “they’re now calling you Mighty Wyss-Kuzz, Master of Three Species!”

  “Master of Three Species!” I repeated, purring.

  “A faction loyal to you—who knew there was such a thing!—is calling for you to be brought back home,” Flooffee said. “The Calico Queen has strung
several of these loyalists up by their tails, but it hasn’t stopped them. You are the hero of the common cat. Hard to believe, right?”

  The thought of the miserable Earth kitten gnashing her teeth over my popularity made me purr all the louder.

  “When will you send the next video, O Great One?” Flooffee said. “The cats are begging for more.”

  This was the only sticking point. Today the boy-ogre had returned home in that flaccid form of Human anger they call “being grumpy.” Upset that I had tricked him into wearing the image-capture device, he now refused to put it on. Did he not realize he was stalling my glorious return to Lyttyrboks?

  In fact, he did not. And he could not, because if I told him of my plans, the leaking of the eyes would begin. Then he would beg me not to go, which would both bore and infuriate me.

  “So is that it?” Flooffee asked after I told him about the ogre’s refusal. “Can’t you find another—what do the Humans call it?—‘cameraman’?”

  I smoothed my whiskers with a paw. “Oh, don’t you worry, I have another cameraman in mind,” I said, gazing out the bunker’s small viewing window. In the citadel across the street, Flabby Tabby lay sleeping. “Or should I say, camera-cat!”

  Purr.

  CHAPTER 13

  My phone rang at 1:00 a.m.

  “Dad?” I said sleepily. “Why are you calling me in the middle of the night? Is everything okay?”

  “Oh, yes, everything’s great,” he exclaimed. “Is it really that late?”

  “Yeah, y’know, time zones?”

  “Whoops,” he said. “Well, as long as I’ve got you, how are things going?”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. Should I tell him that Wuffles barked too much, wouldn’t fetch, was impossible to take on a walk, and had a major farting problem? Or that I suspected Klawde was tormenting him every time my back was turned, and often when I was staring straight at them? Or that Ajji was sending me to school with mango pickles that smelled up the entire cafeteria?